domestic violence survivor Joëlle Regh on the life-changing practice of gratitude
meet joëlle,
a blogger, student, and domestic violence advocate.
as a survivor of domestic violence as well as skin cancer, joëlle exemplifies how transformative the practice of gratitude can be, no matter what adversities stand in your way.
i hope that this interview reminds you that your past doesn’t define you, but if you choose, you can use it to help shape the future of your dreams.
You’ve been in the United States for 10 years now, although you didn’t originally think you would be here for so long. What led you to become an Au Pair, and how has that one decision led to a ten-year journey?
Honestly, I only meant to come for a year. When I started after graduation, I wanted to do a year of either work and travel or just travel the world a little bit. I was thinking about different options of where to go - even England, but my dad suggested that I would want to go home all the time because it wasn’t as far and would be more convenient to go home. He wanted me to take the full opportunity, because I wanted to do America, but then I thought, “Why don’t I just go to England because I’ll still learn English and I’m closer to home?” I’ve always wanted to go up to New York City, but as an Au Pair, you can’t really decide where your family is located. There is an interview process with Au Pairs and of the two families that I was talking to, one was in California, and one was in New Jersey. I always loved Sex and the City and Gossip Girl was on at the time, so I really just wanted to come to the city. I found a family in New Jersey, so I could go to the city on the weekends and I would still be close to the city.
You shared a post on the 10 lessons you’ve learned from this experience, but looking back, what would you tell yourself when you were on the plane headed here?
Be open to opportunities, and that’s exactly what I did. Another thing is to never give up. Go for things and to enjoy life. Be passionate about the things that want to do, and to just go after it.
Part of going after it means you have to get uncomfortable and take risks. We do have technology on our side, but it isn’t quite the same. How do you cope with homesickness? What advice would you give someone facing the same thing?
It's definitely not the same. For the first three months, I was so happy. I wanted to stay here and extend for a second year. And then around month six, I was so sick of everything and I just wanted to leave and go home. My parents encouraged me to stay and to finish the year, and then at the nine-month mark, I really loved it again and I decided to extend for a second year. I would Skype with my parents on a weekly basis. That’s what we had back then; there was no FaceTime or anything. Keep yourself busy and find hobbies. Even though technology is definitely not the same, I always try to look at things like, what if there was no technology to be able to stay in contact? What if we were only able to write letters or text messages? Being able to see my parents, even if it’s just a Webcam, made it feel a lot better. Having a good support system here in the States makes homesickness go away a little bit. I still feel homesick, but a routine or experiencing something new helps. Another thing is that I brought my teddy bear from Germany with me. I’ve had him since I was three years old. If there were evenings when I was really, really, homesick, I would take my teddy bear and watch TV and eat ice cream, because it makes you feel better. I’m just grateful for all of the things that I’m able to experience, and that I’m able to video chat my parents.
One thing you’re passionate about now is education. You went from failing Abitur in Germany to earning your GED and you’re now finishing up at Rutgers University as a Communications Major. You’re also a member of the Communication Studies Honor Society. Why did you decide to go back to school?
I’m also a member of the student PR team, Scarlet PR, and Rutgers PRSSA, which is also a PR association. I’m also an account manager of a New Jersey medical school. After I failed the Abitur in Germany, they said I could rejoin the next class and then do my Abitur next year. I would have had to add another year, and I was like, “Nope! No. I am done, I am out of here,” because I was so over it. I was very, very upset that I failed because I only needed a C in Biology to graduate, and I got a D. My other grades were terrible, so it was really dependent on that C in Biology to get that Abitur. When you’re an Au Pair in the program, you have to take English or classes at a college to get the real American experience. One of the first courses I took was English as a Second Language. Then because I extended for a second year, I had to take two college courses, but now I was really excited because I was able to take real American college classes – that’s what I called them. I took Marketing and Advertising, and I absolutely loved what we were doing, and I wanted to stay and study here. I got an A in both classes, and that led me to say, “Okay, I would love to stay here and study. What do I have to do?” When I talked to my advisor, I tried to explain to her that I only graduated with twelve grades; I didn’t finish the thirteenth one. Because here in America it’s only twelve grades, she didn’t really understand that I didn’t have my Abitur, so then one day she calls me and says that I don’t have my high school diploma. She said, “For you to be able to stay here, you have to take the GED.” Because of all of the tight deadlines, I only had ten days to study for the GED, take the exam, and send it over to Immigrations to be able to stay and get my student visa. I had ten days to study and I decided to take it in English. I probably had a breakdown almost every day while studying for the GED because if I made it, I could stay here. If I don’t, then I can’t go to college here. That’s when it started: I really, really wanted it. I started at Raritan Valley Community College. I graduated Magna Cum Laude and I became a member of Phi Theta Kappa, the honors society. Every single time I got a B, I got so upset. Mind you, before, I had F’s in math, D’s, and C’s and I couldn’t care less, but now it was for me, not for anybody else. Then I got accepted to all of these different amazing universities, but I wasn’t able to attend because I couldn’t afford it. I had to take a break, and that’s when I got married. Over three years, I applied to Rutgers three times, and I got in every single time, and then the last time, I was finally able to say that I accept because I knew that my permanent residency was coming up. When I was going to Rutgers, I was twenty-eight years old. I was like, “Are people going to judge me because I’m twenty-eight?” I felt a little weird because everyone was like twenty, and I’m twenty-eight, but everyone was so welcoming; I don’t even know where that stereotype came from. Now when I take a class, I always make it a point to say, “Yeah, I’m older, and I can speak from experience.” It’s a change from being insecure to being confident. I’m twenty-eight years old and I’m getting my degree, and I’m proud of myself.
I love the way that you not only take ownership, but you choose your perspective. What gives you the motivation to push yourself to pursue something out of your comfort zone?
I had a math professor at Raritan Valley Community College who told us that we should tell ourselves every day that we love math. I listened to him and I told myself every single day, “I love math,” over and over again. Seeing how well it worked, because I only got A’s in that class, I will always tell myself something positive if there’s something that I don’t want to do. I try to look at things from the positive side like, “I can do this. I got this. Let’s do it.” I always try to find ways around; my ex-husband actually told me one time, “Joelle, stop looking for a way around this. Stop trying to get yourself out of things. Just take it.” It’s my personality to try to find different ways to accomplish it. Like Thomas Edison with the lightbulb, that’s exactly my approach and how I do anything.
“I will always try to find another way to accomplish something, and I will try different things, even if they’re out of my comfort zone. I always try to look for the positive.”
While you study, you also work full-time, and you blog, too. What does a day in your life look like?
I get up at 6 and get ready from 6 to 7. From 7 to 8, I sit at my desk and do things for me. I write my gratitude list, and then I write a list of goals or things I want to accomplish during the day. I make my bed because that makes me feel accomplished. I go to work, and I get home in the evening. When I come home, I cook dinner, and then I do my homework, sometimes until midnight. It depends on how much work I have to do. I try to squeeze in Friends because I love that show and it’s my mindless activity, so it helps me to wind down before I go to bed; otherwise my brain is going a million miles per hour. If I don’t have anything to do, then I will go out and meet friends. I know that if I don’t do that during the week or even the weekends, then I’m going to go crazy because I need to have a social life. I also try to incorporate tennis, volleyball, or going for a run in the mornings. I try to schedule so that I have a balance between work, college, social life, and Instagram and blog.
You mentioned that you start every day with your gratitude journal. What are you grateful for today?
I actually write almost the same thing down every day. I’m grateful for my parents and my brother and his fiancé and their health. I’m grateful for my strong and healthy body. I am grateful for my cat and his health. I’m grateful for Batman’s health. I am grateful that I am able to attend Rutgers University, and I’m grateful for my 3.9/ 4.0 GPA. I’m also grateful for my job and my car and my apartment. I was talking to an acquaintance about this, and she had said something like, “Well, yeah, I worked hard for that, so of course I have an apartment.” And I just said, “Well, this can be taken away in an instant,” because there’s people who had all these things but they lost it in an instant. Knock on wood, but things can get taken away in an instant. And I think we know that now, with COVID-19. I learned that with my ex-husband because he had strangled me and I lost consciousness; I almost died. With therapy, I got that back, because I didn’t know that I lost consciousness. That’s one of the things where I realized, “Wow, I got a second chance at life,” so I’m going to live my life and make the best out of every single situation that I’m dealt with. I’m choosing to see the positive in every situation, no matter how crappy it can be. So yeah, I bought my car; that’s great. I deserve it and I work hard for it. I’m grateful that I have my job to be able to pay for the car and my apartment.
“Every single thing, I’m grateful for. I’m grateful for my past experiences because they shaped and formed me into the person I am today.”
You’ve shared your story, and you mention how you consider what happened with your ex-husband how it affected every part of your life - body image, finances, safety, mental health. What do you wish people knew in regards to domestic violence?
I wish people knew that they’re not alone. When I went through it, I felt very ashamed. I kept talking negatively to myself and I said things like, “I should have known. I should have left him earlier. I should have never married him.” I felt very, very alone. I shared it eventually with my parents and with my immigrations lawyer. I want people to know that it is okay to ask for help and there are people and resources that are able to help you. Finances make things difficult, so there are free resources. For example, I eventually decided to go to therapy, and my initial thought was that therapy is going to cost me $200 per session, so I’m just going to have to battle this and tackle this by myself. When I was going to court, there was somebody who stood by me as an advocate and gave me the resources for a non-profit organization that provides free therapy. I went through PTSD therapy with the organization, and I didn’t have to pay one cent. They were the kindest people and honestly, that was a thought that I had, “Why is everybody being so nice to me?” because I thought I did something wrong. I was embarrassed that I let it get that far. The teddy bear I mentioned earlier is a big part of when I decided to leave him and cut all my ties with him. We were still living together for two months after he had strangled me. We decided to be separated, but we weren’t going to talk to other people yet, because I was embarrassed that my marriage failed after only eleven months. I didn’t want anybody to know yet; I needed to cope with that stuff by myself first. Living together, I was his personal alarm clock and would call him. One morning I gave him his phone, and I noticed an icon on the top corner because he had an Android and I was like, “That icon looks familiar. What is that?” And then I realized it was a Tinder notification. I was like, “Oh my God, so I guess talking to other people doesn’t include dating apps.” When I called him to wake him up, it wasn’t the right time, but I said, “Oh, by the way, I know we’re not telling other people yet, so it’s probably a good idea to not have a dating app. I thought we should talk about that, too.” He completely lost it.
Thank God I wasn’t home, because he destroyed the TV, he cut up some of my clothing with a knife, and then he said, “Guess what I’m doing right now? I’m cutting off your teddy bear’s head.” When he touched my teddy bear, I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. Because one, that’s my teddy bear. Second, that’s psychotic. I was worried that that could be me, because he was cutting it with a knife. There was still a part of me hanging on to him, and just the embarrassment of a marriage failing so soon. But when he touched my teddy bear, I was done. I called my immigrations lawyer right then and there. I told my parents right then and there. That teddy bear played an important role in my life and I’m getting chills, because a lady at the court said, “That’s why you were carrying your teddy bear with you all along, because maybe that was supposed to be the push to get you out of the marriage completely.” The courts weren’t always nice. One time his lawyer said, “Why do you have so much evidence? Why did you record everything? Why do you have all these pictures of your bruises and teddy bear and all that stuff?” And I was like, “I take pictures of everything because you never know. I forget things, so I take pictures of the street I park on to remember where I park my car.” They were trying to make it look like I did the bruises to myself, or the choking or strangulation marks were because I liked it rough in bed. Our interview date was scheduled for September 2nd and we had our first court date on August 2nd. My ex was charged with assault charges and I got a do not contact order, so they tried the exact same thing with the second judge because it worked with the first one. They assumed it would work. The judge says, “Her immigration status has nothing to do with him putting his hands on her.” And that’s when I knew that this is a good judge. I’m sure I’m not the only one who is scared of their immigration status or whatever it is because of situations like this and they feel helpless, so I think some people don’t come forward.
You’ve said that trauma is a wakeup call for people. I want to point out how you now appreciate the beauty not only around you, but the beauty within you, too. Your ex-husband was incredibly abusive and harmful towards your body image. How did you overcome it, and get to a place of not just self-love, but total self-confidence?
He tried to put me on a diet. After I kicked him out, I was like, “Now I’m going to eat everything and anything I want.” I was drinking a lot, too, going out on the weekends and numbing my pain. At that point I wasn’t doing therapy yet. I gained like 25 pounds in four months, and I couldn’t stretch as well anymore. I went to the doctor and he told me, “You’re prediabetic,” so I was like, “Okay, I need to change something.” I started eating healthier and I stopped drinking completely, because that’s another thing: alcohol is a depressant. It increases your symptoms, so when I would drink, I would get even more depressed. So I stopped drinking, and even to this day, I drink very, very rarely. Writing that I’m grateful for my strong and healthy body in my gratitude journal helped. I also write, “I am proud of who and where I am today. I am a strong, smart, confident, and independent woman. I love myself just the way I am. I complete myself.” I’ve been writing that every day for two years, exactly like that. Your mind is very powerful, so whatever you tell your mind - whether you can or can’t do something - your mind will believe you. If I catch myself talking negatively to myself, I tell myself to stop and I tell myself I’m strong, because at the end of the day, I just want to be strong and healthy. I don’t care about my weight; I don’t care about what the scale says. I just want to feel comfortable, happy, strong, and healthy. I don’t want to have health problems. Something I discovered this summer is that I never, ever, ever used to take bikini pictures. This year I started to embrace my body a lot more, too.
And speaking of summer, something people may not know about you is that you’re also a cancer survivor. You were diagnosed with melanoma at twenty years old, and are now cancer free. You’ve learned to love your pale skin, and how to embrace your body the way it is, which is easier said than done.
100%. The reason why I got that melanoma, if it would’ve spread, it could’ve killed me. I went to the tanning salon like 2-3 times a week for 3 months or so because I really wanted to be tan. People would say, “Oh, you have such beautiful porcelain skin,” and I was like, “Great, but everybody wants to be tan. I want to be tan.” So I went to the tanning salon, and I got melanoma as a result. I’ve worked hard to embrace my pale skin, to love myself just the way I am. Not embracing my body almost killed myself. It could’ve gotten worse, but it didn’t. I didn’t need chemo; they took out a lymph node and all of the cancer.
“We can’t change the bodies we’ve come in. It’s all about embracing your body the way you are, and loving yourself the way you are.”
Every day you show up and you make a difference and encourage others, no matter what. What inspires you?
I was a lost person after I left my husband. I didn’t know where I wanted to go. I was very depressed and was suffering with PTSD. I had nightmares, trauma, and flashbacks to the point where I really didn’t want to be in this world anymore. I had visions or thoughts of ending my own life because it was just too much, but every single time I had a thought like that I would also tie it directly to my parents and I would tell myself, “No, my parents and my brother don’t deserve that.” That’s what kept me going because I didn’t want to disappoint them. It’s important to be able to tie it to something or someone, because they’re the reason why I didn’t do it. My goal now is to be that light of hope for people if they don’t have that in their personal life. I’m trying to lead by example and that’s why I’m so open about everything. Because you never know who might hear the story, or how this might affect somebody else’s life path. If just one person reads the story and it helps one person, that’s all that matters. My mission is to inspire self-empowerment and mindfulness through visual narrative of my content and raising awareness of domestic violence at the same time. That’s what inspires me and motivates me to keep going.
That being said, what is something everyone should know how to do?
Everybody should know how to never give up hope. All you’ve got is hope. If you’ve already given up your hope, then anything and everything is lost. Nothing motivates you to keep going. Learning how to be hopeful and learning to look for the positive in things - yes, it’s hard work. Sometimes I need a reminder, too. The first time my permanent residency interview got scheduled, it was canceled by a snowstorm. I was so upset because I haven’t been home to Germany for seven years. My dad said, “Joelle, it’s okay. We can’t change it, so we’ll just go from here. You weren’t supposed to go today because maybe they would’ve denied it.” There’s some situations where you just need that reminder, you know? Find the positive and never lose hope.
You talk a lot about speaking your truth, and speaking your goals into existence. What’s next for you?
There are a lot of projects that I am currently working on and that I want to work on in the future, but right now my primary focus is to finish my degree. I am working on my goals every single day. Some steps can be small, some can be really big, but I try to move the needle every single day. My goal is to inspire people and to help people to see hope, even if they’re not in domestic violence situations.
“Hope is all you’ve got. If you’re not hopeful, then you’ve already lost, whatever it is. You just can never, ever give up that hope. It might not turn out exactly the way you planned it, but nothing ever does, right? You just have to adjust and go a different route.”
seven questions with joëlle regh:
I can’t go a day without… my phone, because I stay in contact with my family in Germany and my friends.
Everyone should read… the 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins.
Life is better with a little… love & hope.
Everyone in their 20s should… try different things, travel, take risks, and be adventurous.
One insider thing to do in New York… I love exploring new corners of NYC, especially now. I just went ice skating at Bryant Park, and it was an awesome experience.
What the world needs right now is… compassion & hope.
One way to spread love is… show compassion towards others but also yourself, and spread light and hope.
Follow Joëlle on Instagram here. Visit her blog here.
All photos courtesy of Joëlle Regh.