Where'd You Go, Paige DiTullio featuring Anna Nicole lipstick by Jeffree Star

(lipstick is shade cheerleader)

hi again.

it’s been a while since i’ve talked to you.

i started this blog back in 2018 and haven’t really taken a break from it. to be honest, i never thought i would. partly because of how much i enjoyed it, but also because i have this wierd thing with consistency and sticking to commitments. as i’ve told you before, i’m all-or-nothing, so once i started this project, i felt dedicated to it. that’s just how my brain sees things (i never promised i was fun, ok?).

but come early december, i just felt burnt out - not necessarily from blogging, but from everything, kind of.

and now that i feel much more on the other side of upside down, it’s time to come back and talk to you, friend to friend.

so, hi friend.

to start, i hope you are well. i would love to hear about what you have been up to (really, tell me).

because i have a lot to tell you, too. most of which won’t fit in this re-introduction of a post.. but we’ll get there.

for now, it kind of feels like i skipped over so much of what i did in philadelphia, and i hope i get to share more of the fun stuff i did there, as well as the little moments in between. because in a lot of ways, philadelphia changed everything for me.

it changed my values - pretty much all of them. it changed my priorities, my friendships, my goals. how i spend my time, and how i talk to people. how i talk to myself.

i think the only thing that didn’t change was the fact that i still can’t cook (not that i care, haha).

and while i mentioned wanting to back up eventually and share certain snapshots from last two months, i think it’s best to hit the fast-forward button for now and bring you up to speed.

while in philly, i came to realize that so many of the things that i wanted were things i only thought i wanted. on top of that, the relationships i had with so many friends became one-sided at best, non-existent at worst.

and with the way that my brain works, i came to the conclusion that i was the common denominator, so i had to be the one in the wrong, right? i believed it was 100% on me. my mistake, my mess.

so once i got home, i needed to figure out where i went wrong, where i was at, where i wanted to go.. so i shut everything down.

i got quiet and made everything around me quiet, too.

dude. it felt so good. i’m telling you: find your silence, eliminate the noise, and see what comes up, what you realize, where your mind wanders.. it’s magic.

i learned that it’s one thing to recognize your values, but it’s another to put them in place - to fully, completely, wholeheartedly live by them.

still, i wasn’t sure where to go from there. how do i take advantage of this clean slate and not mess anything up?

i really didn’t know. so for the first time, i decided to not ask anyone for advice. at all. i figured the answer would come eventually, and it was about time i practiced patience for the first time in 26 (?!) years.

and then one night at the ripe hour of 2am (like i said, i’m 26 now - bedtimes are not like a cutesy “i’m gonna start drinking water!” type of thing; they’re non-negotiable).. i realized that that was the answer.

it wasn’t about whether or not i was going to do something; it was that i was going to be the one to choose.

i learned that i have to make my choices.

i still want to be there for and show up for people, even if they don’t do that for me, but i have to identify what that balance looks like.. for me. i have to make that choice, because it’s mine to make.

it’s not selfishness, because you have to own what you do, how you think, who you surround yourself with. it’s accountability. and it’s responsibility, too - you owe it to yourself, truly.

i’ve learned that i have to acknowledge how i’m feeling at any given moment, and i have to take ownership in what i do and what i say. when push comes to shove, it has to make sense to me, because life is not a popularity contest. you have to reconcile your values with how you’re living your life at the end of each day, and consciously make sure it’s all aligned.

there will always be this fear that somebody is going to take something the wrong way or that they might misinterpret my intent. in the back of my mind, i think i will always ask myself if i could’ve done more for someone or something. i don’t think that will ever go away entirely, but i’ve come to realize that you do not get anywhere when you’re stuck in the echo chamber of other people’s opinions.

i’ve also come to accept that not everyone is going to agree with me at any given moment in life. i am sure some people think i am the worst person on earth, especially after some of the decisions i’ve made over the last few weeks. and that’s just the way it is.

but if you can stand with your decisions and your conduct each step of the way, then you’re free. that’s peace. at least to me.

i have to own it all: the fact that i don’t like fruit, that i’m the black sheep of my family, that i might not be cruising along that white picket fence timeline because i am that kid that gets distracted by the dandelions in the outfield (aka projects that speak to me in more ways than $) through and through.