finding gratitude in failed plans and the magic of NYC with Bailey Price
meet bailey,
creator of Stuff & Guff, writer, and believer.
there aren’t too many emails i look forward to receiving in my inbox, but Bailey’s weekly newsletter is one i’ve enjoyed for a long time now. her writing is delicate, yet strong. timely, yet timeless. and at its’ very core, unshakably honest.
Bailey is the kind of person you feel like you can tell anything to, because you know she’ll not only have the most thoughtful advice, but because she will show the big picture and remind you of what’s important. she’s one of the few people i know who take the time to savor a slow, still morning while living in the city that never sleeps.
it’s because of her that i’ve been inspired to be more present, intentional, and faith-led, and i hope you feel the same way after reading this, too.
Hi, Bailey. How are you?
I woke up today feeling refreshed. This is such a strange season and I’m learning to take my emotions day-by-day. Today I feel grounded, hopeful, and thankful for a rainy Saturday morning.
I’ve been a fan of your blog for a long time, and I think I found it through Instagram. Your writing is not just beautiful; it’s honest and raw, deeply personal yet relatable. How did you get into writing, and how did you decide to start publishing it for the world to see?
Thank you! My deepest desire with writing is to be honest, even and especially when it’s hard, so that really means a lot to me. I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember. I’m an internal processor, so writing has always been by means for catharsis and for seeking to understand my thoughts and emotions. I started publishing my work online when I was 14, and I am eternally grateful that I’ve switched platforms enough times since then that no one could find those angsty teenage posts :). I started Stuff & Guff when I moved to New York a few years ago as a way to stay anchored in this crazy, magical city. My posts might still be a little angsty but at least they’re not on Xanga anymore. :)
You live in New York. Although this year has been unpredictable and the city has been affected, what led you to move there?
Like so many people, I was drawn to New York before I ever even visited. I had Pinterest boards all about moving to NYC for years before it every became a reality. I first came to the city for a 12 hour stop-over on a road trip with a friend. The second I set foot on these streets I knew I would never feel at home anywhere else. It took four years after that trip to actually get here. I’m not big on regrets, but looking back, I wish I’d had the courage to come sooner. As they say, it’s New York or nowhere.
I have a few friends who live in the city and it’s so interesting to see people come alive and come into their own - I don’t know how many zip codes have that effect on people, at least to the very visceral effect that New York does. And yet, at the same time, it’s very easy to feel small and overwhelmed at the same time. What has your experience been like?
Yes, that’s so true. There is something about this city that I’ve tried to write for years and just can’t seem to capture in words. It’s like being in a salad spinner.
You’re going to get spun around and tossed up against a wall by this place and that can feel really hard and isolating. But the force will throw off every mask you’ve worn and every pretense you’ve put up about who you are, so all you’re left with is your delicate, strong, authentic self.
Coming from the south, I really struggled with this. There were a lot of expectations I (and others) put on myself about who to be and how to act. But living up to those expectations always felt forced - very square-peg-round-hole. It wasn’t until coming here that I found the courage to do away with those things and step fully back into myself.
It’s part of what’s so beautiful about New York: there are simply no expectations.
Speaking of the idea that it is easy to get lost, or feel lost - oftentimes your writing is a delicate synthesis of reflection while staying present and true to the current moment. What inspires you?
Gosh, yes, I think that’s the goal: to balance reflection and presence. But it’s the hardest thing to do. Without reflection, we can’t learn from our experiences, see how we’ve grown, or recount the faithfulness of God. But without presence, we can’t enjoy the goodness of the little graces all around us or experience the joy of the abundant life. But it almost feels mutually exclusive, doesn’t it? How do we look back and look around at the same time? The only thing I’ve found that works is stillness. In quiet moments I can reflect on where I’ve been and what I’ve seen God do in my life and the world around me, while also taking in my surroundings - the warmth of the cup in my hand, the sound of the streets alive outside, the good gift of morning light. I guess that’s what inspires me - the moments when the past seems to greet the present with a serendipity that feels... inevitable, maybe? Like it was always supposed to be this way. Everything that’s ever happened was meant to bring me here to this morning, to this moment.
What’s your favorite thing about the city?
There are a million ways I could answer this question and they would all be true - the people, the energy, the twinkling lights and night, Central Park on a Sunday morning. But today, my favorite thing is that this city introduced me to myself. I am the most creative, free, unashamed, quirky version of Bailey in NYC and I will forever be grateful for the gift of knowing her.
Although you just made it back home, do you ever see yourself living somewhere else?
This is the first year since I moved here that I’ve considered leaving. Quarantine in New York is hard - it’s hard everywhere, I know - but in such small apartments, with no car, no yard, and so little freedom to roam, it’s really tough. I am planning to leave for the winter and live the digital nomad life for a while. Maybe another city will capture my heart when I do, but for now, the plan is to come back in the Spring and settle in for a while.
In a time when the world is going through so much, I’ve found that I almost feel discounted, or unable to have big things happen in my personal life. That’s not to say that they’re mutually exclusive, but I almost feel like I don’t have room to call something difficult or challenging when so many other people are going through difficult times at the same time. You recently went through a major life experience yourself - you got divorced.
I think it’s tempting for all of us to measure our losses and our grief up against the collective grief that the world is experiencing right now. The pandemic hit New York in March of this year, about 6 months after I moved out of the apartment I shared with my husband. I certainly had days where world events seemed to dwarf my own experience and left me feeling silly for my sadness in the midst of everything happening around me. But it brought so much perspective too.
It reminded me to be grateful for everything I still had and to view loss not as an individual experience but as a shared reflection of the brokenness of the world. It made me long for redemption in a new way.
Sometimes I think that the word ‘divorce’ is said so often that it has lost part of its’ meaning, or at least emotional association, because divorce affects nearly every part of you, your being, your thoughts, your life. What are your thoughts?
Yes, I think that’s true. If we take the Biblical view of marriage as two flesh becoming one, then inherently, divorce is having your whole self ripped completely apart. One of the things my mom said to me when I first moved out was that the Bible doesn’t say God hates divorce because he is a legalistic dictator; it says God hates divorce because he knows how utterly painful it is for the people he loves so much. I really believe that’s true.
Wow, that hits home. How can I, or other people reading this, be a better friend to someone who is going through a divorce?
Divorce is lonely - there’s just no way around that. And in the Christian community, it’s tricky, because there are a lot of schools of thought about divorce and the church can be particularly harmful if it doesn’t approach people with love and humility. I had a very legalistic view of divorce before I went through my own. The amount of shame I felt when I realized it was the only option absolutely leveled me. It was the friends that came alongside me and called me out of that shame that got me through those first few months. Be empathetic, be humble, speak truth from a place of love.
How do you not let the judgements of others affect you? Or even, how do you cope with and move past self-judgement? Because we’re constantly growing and evolving, and learning your previous thought process was ‘wrong’ is difficult in and of itself. But for me, it seems like judgements from myself and from others are one of those hurdles you constantly have to work through.
Unfortunately, I think that's true. I'd love to tell you that I'm fully immune to the judgement of others but that would be a lie. I'm also notoriously bad at holding myself to a standard of perfection that I consistently fail to meet. I'd never really struggled with shame until after my divorce. But when it hit, it was like constant waves of nausea I just couldn't shake. I felt totally paralyzed. But I prayed (a TON), shared those waves with my counselor, and read a lot of books on shame to help me make sense of it all. (I highly recommend I Thought it Was Just Me by Brene Brown!) Sanctification is a slow process. And learning to walk in the freedom of Christ and not in the fear of man happens one step at a time. Anchor yourself in truth and surround yourself with people who can remind you of who you really are when you start to forget.
Right. Something that is a part of not just the mountains, but the miracles of your life is your faith. Has faith always been a part of your life?
Not really. I grew up in the “Bible belt” but really didn’t have much connection to faith until college. Even in my early 20’s, I struggled with seasons of significant doubt and confusion about what was true. But in the end, those times only strengthened the faith I have now. Praise God that he isn’t afraid of our doubt.
Something I also talked about with Christina was how faith becomes much more of a choice when you grow up and get older. It sounds similar to your experience.
Oh, certainly. As the culture becomes more and more secular we are given a million opportunities a day to choose a life other than one grounded in faith. That is especially true for me living in New York. This city has evangelists of success, money, fame, and so many other “gospels” running around everywhere trying to steal my attention.
That makes a lot of sense, especially with social media and how it has created a comparison culture, in some ways. How do you hold steady to what truly matters to you amidst all of the red herrings and false gospels?
Absolutely. I have to take breaks from social media when that comparison starts to take over. We have to be so vigilant about what little lies we start to tell ourselves - the enemy loves to breed comparison and discontent in our hearts. I try to be really intentional about setting up a framework for truth in my daily / weekly schedule to help combat these lies. I set aside time to pray, to meet with my community group, listen to truth-filled podcasts, and even just time to be still. I live by my Google calendar, so most of these things are programmed there to help anchor me to the things I want to prioritize. It may seem forced, but speaking truth to ourselves is a discipline. I know myself well enough to know that if it isn't scheduled, it probably won't happen.
Do you have a favorite verse or teaching that you would like to share?
I am really deep in Hebrews right now and keep coming back to the verses about Abraham being led into the wilderness. “By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going... For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God.” In this season of my life, I feel like I’ve been called out to a “new place” and I have no idea where I am going. I’m constantly humbled by my lack of control of my own life. I just want to walk forward in the assurance that wherever he is taking me is a place he’s designed and built in his goodness, mercy, and love.
And speaking of seasons and age, what does it mean to be a 20-something? How do you define it?
Well, I turned 30 this year and there’s part of me that longs for the days of falling into the “20-something” bucket. But thinking back on that decade, and even reading those words I wrote so long ago, I’m so grateful for both the season of my 20’s and the new decade I’ve entered into this year. Being a 20-something is all about milestones and mistakes. You’re just getting your sea legs for this thing called life. You’ll screw it up a bunch, but if you face those mistakes with humility and grace, you’ll learn more about yourself and the world and God than you can ever imagine.
You’ve mentioned wanting to write a book, and you have quite a few goals for yourself in different aspects of your life. That being said, what is one thing everyone should know how to do?
Everyone should know how to be alone. Your life should be built around what breaks your heart and what brings you joy.
If you’re not comfortable being alone you’ll never know who you really are.
Something on my mind, especially thinking about what you’ve written about over the last few weeks and months, is the idea that your twenties are known as a very fluid time, with changes being made in nearly every aspect of your life, and then somehow, you magically ‘settle down’ in your thirties - whatever that means. Life ebbs and flows no matter your age, but it seems like it’s normalized more when you’re younger. I don’t have that five- or ten-year plan so many people talk about. You’ve lived through so many changes lately. Do you think that sort of “change - stable” flow is real? Do you think we, as humans, are ever meant to settle down?
I love this question because I’ve asked it so many times. I’m 30 now and have never felt less “settled” than I do today. We live in a world of metaphors about “new chapters” and “turning over a new leaf.” People love birthdays and New Year’s Eve because they love to restart. We want a “refresh” or a “redo.” We want clean breaks and good margins and a red-ribboned finish line. But it’s all a lie. We never really arrive, and when we do start a new chapter, it's not a brand-new plot, it’s a continuation of the story with a few new characters and maybe a different setting. I turned 30 right after my divorce and all I wanted was to have this big, beautiful moment of closure on my birthday over that marriage and that decade because so much of it had been so hard. But that moment didn’t come. I’ve moved forward, I have new hopes in the holes my marriage left, and I’ve healed in many ways, big and small. But it wasn’t through a birthday milestone or the decision to turn over a new leaf. It was through a million tiny, imperceptible moments of choosing joy and trusting God when I had no idea what to do next. Maybe some people feel more settled in their 30’s because they’ve made more permanent life choices like buying a house or starting a family. But even still, the only thing you have more of in your 30’s than your 20’s are examples of God’s faithfulness in your life and more experiences of his grace. That truth should settle our souls. Everything else is just subplot.
Wow. I agree. And times are obviously quite turbulent in some ways right now, but what does a day in your life look like?
Right now, it’s a full day in my tiny Upper East Side apartment. I spend my mornings in prayer - reading scripture, journaling, sometimes just sitting in silence saying “I don’t know, God” over and over again. I work full time as a CPA and try to spend as much time on my patio as I can to stay sane. I go for a walk or a run along the East River when the weather is nice. At night, I read or write or watch reruns of Grey's Anatomy, sometimes all three. And I fight to be as obnoxiously grateful as I can for every tiny thing in my world that feels hopeful and good. The beauty of this city, the gift of a really good book, zoom calls with friends, the chance to choose faith a million times over.
That being said, what’s next for you?
Next, I’m putting my things in storage and flying south for the winter (or west, or maybe north, I haven’t decided). I need a break from New York rent and from isolating in my 400 square foot apartment so I’ll pack a few bags of clothes and some books I can’t part with and see where God takes me. It’s scary but a little exciting too. I’m hopeful for new memories, new connections with new people, and plenty of down time to finish the book I’m trying to write.
And lastly, I want to thank you because I’ve learned so much from you, and you’ve influenced the way I think and act in quite a few ways. I think I give myself a lot more grace and patience now because of you. What is a lesson that has stuck with you?
Ah, I’m so grateful for those words. I don’t know why it’s so hard for us to give ourselves grace but I totally relate. If I’ve learned anything this year it’s that we never know what’s coming.
18 months ago I had my entire life mapped out. A month from now I’ll be living out of a suitcase with no plan whatsoever. It feels like everything changed in such a short amount of time and the control freak in me has a mini heart attack at least once a day about the uncertainty.
But God is faithful. He was near to be in the darkest moments of my life and the peace of his sovereignty met me in my despair. So I will trust him to meet me here too - in whatever this next chapter holds, in the beauty of the wild unknown.
seven questions with bailey price:
I can’t go a day without… Coffee (basic, but true)
Everyone should read… The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.
Life is better with a little… Stillness.
Everyone in their 20s should… Find a spiritual mentor, a financial advisor, and their perfect friends-are-coming-over-unexpectedly-need-to-whip-up-some-cookies recipe.
One insider thing to do in NYC… get a croissant and a coffee from Miss Madeline’s bakery on 82nd street and have a morning picnic in Carl Shurz park.
What the world needs right now is… Humility and courage.
One way to spread love is… Be authentic. When we stop pretending to be our best selves we give others the freedom to be their whole selves.