hi.

i know that it’s customary to say “i hope this note finds you well,” but i hope this note finds you exactly as you are, because you’re exactly where you should be. and if you aren’t in love with where you are, remember that it’s not permanent, but it’s something.

as for me, i’ve come to accept that i say a lot of things and nothing at the same time. i’m never quite sure how things land or what the end result is, if there even is one.

it’s no secret amongst my friends and family that i like to talk. a lot. even when i lost my voice for a solid two months, i still talked. a lot. so as a general rule of thumb, i assume that at least 99% of what i say has no real substance or lasting power. call it what you want: fluff, chatter, annoying, noise.

regardless, it’s been on my mind a lot lately, especially while i restructure this blog and try to figure out what meaning i want to hopefully give it. you see the word “content” tossed around all the time now, and it seems as though everyone is a “content creator.” the phrase kind of makes me feel claustrophobic, if i’m being honest - but that might be for another post.

anyways, i’ve been thinking about words and interactions and patterns and behavior, where lines get drawn, when things have substance and when they don’t.

maybe today is friday for you. maybe it’s one day closer to the weekend, or a clock counting down the minutes until you meet your friends for a night out.

maybe today is your birthday, or maybe it’s a day of indescribable loss.

the root of any of these circumstances is that you’re determining and assigning meaning to it.

there’s an air of responsibility connected to perspective and decision-making that we don’t always see or remember.

therefore, i would like take ownership of what i perceive to be real in this moment, and try my best to connect with you. because i’m talking to you right now. i’m not posting this to gain likes, followers, confetti, or credit. i just want to talk to you.

how are you?

really.. how are you?

it’s okay to not be okay. it’s okay to be unsure of how you’re feeling. it’s okay to feel a lot of things.. even if it’s all at once. especially if it’s all at once.

better yet.. it’s okay to tell someone that. it’s okay to show people what’s in your heart and on your mind and it for sure doesn’t have to be pretty.

want to know a secret?

growing up, i didn’t have the best vision (still don’t). i remember leaving the optometrist office when i was a kid feeling like a L-O-S-E-R because i didn’t have 20/20 vision and there wasn’t a way fix to it for good. up until that point, i knew that sometimes you fall short, but you could solve the problem: you fill a cavity, study harder for a test, things like that. and yes, you can wear glasses, but i felt like there was something wrong with me, because it wasn’t like i did something wrong or neglected a crucial step to end up farsighted and nearsighted. i really felt like i had made a mistake, which is a big deal when you’re a “good kid” who isn’t used to slip-ups or even bad luck.

and the reason i bring that story up after asking how you’re doing is because while i still don’t wear my glasses, i definitely feel like i’m wearing something, because no matter which way you turn, there seems to be some sort of filter applied to life.

instagram edits, photoshop, lash extensions, purple tinted sunglasses, your own perspective and biases - it’s a lot.

tell me: what do you see?

when you take a picture, is it really just a picture?

when you look at somebody else, do you really see them?

we’ve become acutely aware of the image we present to others - how we dress, the photos we take, and now, within the context of our personal “brands.” and it goes beyond social media, too: i don’t think i’m alone in struggling to reconcile what my image actually says about me with what i want it to say, and how others interpret it.

how often do we make decisions based off who we are and how we’re feeling versus how others will perceive it?

how often do we compare ourselves to others, or rather, what they choose to show us?

i think more than ever, we’re living within comparisons. but it doesn’t work. it never works.

in a way it makes sense that differentiation is so instinctual, because we’ve spent years being taught to think analytically and critically, to find deep meaning within the lines of a story or the subtle metaphors behind a piece of art.

but the truth is this: the life you curate is not necessarily the same as the life you’re living. there is always more than meets the eye.

the phrase “all the world’s a stage” comes to mind when i think about this filter-obsessed society. in some ways, it rings true, and at the same time, it doesn’t.

all the world’s a stage, p.1

just because you see someone smiling doesn’t always mean that they’re happy; and just because you’re happy doesn’t always mean you’re smiling.

what you see on instagram is at best, a highlight reel; for others, it’s a shield compromised of joyful photos and inspiration quotes meant to hide true feelings, faults, and fears.

we’re complex, intricate people.

people don’t want to be saved; people need to be seen and heard.

all the world’s a stage, p.2

whether you’re on social media or not, we all have an audience, so to speak. people you know and people you don’t.

and if call yourself an “influencer,” really recognize that you have an audience.

i’m not going to tell you what to do, but here is food for thought: we all have stories to tell, unique experiences and perspectives that make up who we are and how we think.

does it need a filter?

share what you can, share what makes sense to you. remove the pretense and the presets, even if just for the purpose of reminding someone that they are not alone in how they feel. it doesn’t do any of us much good if we continue to act one way and feel another. “fake it til you make it” is not always the best route to take.

mental health is real. it’s always a part of us, and we’re always changing. maybe change is life’s filter, and something we have to learn to evolve with over time.

regardless, don’t be afraid to admit what you you feel, what you think, or what you’re going through - to yourself, to friends, to a therapist, to anyone. some say there’s a natural order to the world, that there’s a rhyme or reason for everything, but that’s not always true. however..

there is strength in honesty.

there is courage in not always being hallmark-card happy.

there is resilience in recognizing the cracks in your armor, or the irrational thoughts that seem to play over and over in your head.

what i hope you get from this is:

you’re not alone.

there is always someone who cares and someone who wants to help you.

some days are hard but it won’t always be that way.

how you feel is valid. it’s okay to not feel okay. and it’s more than okay to share that with others.

help is real and you deserve it.

your story matters.

you matter.

it’s okay to be afraid of what comes next, or what might never come at all.

there are some things we can’t change and some things we can.

hope is there; you just have to choose it and believe it. take it straight to the bank and hold onto it, because it’s yours for the taking.

as for me..

i may never grow out of being the girl who talks a lot, but i hope you know i am trying my best to listen more, and i want to be there for you.

but because i will never have all of the answers, or even most of the answers, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Line 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255.

love you.